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Birthday Sallomy

April 13, 2011 by at 9:57 am Leave a Comment

In celebration of his 13th birthday, I made my son a “sallomy” and cheese sandwich.

This was his request sent from his bedroom to mine via text message:

“Dear Mom, this is a perswaysive text.  Please will you make me sallomy and cheese sandwiches instead of those yuky turkey and cheese sandwiches.  It will lighten up my day gladly:) .

P.S.  Please come over and tuck me in.  Love your hungry lunchin son.”

In addition to a sallomy and cheese sandwich, we bought him a vintage 1968 Ludwig drum set.  It reminds me of The Monkeys.

How many migraine prone Mamas would dare to buy their 13-year-old a drum set?  We adore that boy.

Can you predict if this turns out to be a blessing or a blunder?

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4 Reasons you are not destined to become your mother

April 6, 2011 by at 10:39 am 2 Comments

(This article is Part 2 of “Are you destined to become your mother?”)

Just in case you are wondering, I am not inviting you to disrespect your mama.  I believe motherhood is a sacred position.

In fact, God  designed  moms and dads to teach and model upright and loving  behavior; raising up the next godly generation.  He promises parents, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it”.

If your mom (and dad) has performed this role well, then you welcome being like your mother.

If your mom was imperfect, (join the club mom), it is possible you have characteristics learned from her which you want to change.

If we believe we are merely three-dimensional people:  physical, intellectual, and emotional, we would be quick to buy into the hopeless mentality that we can do little to avoid behaviors learned and ingrained in us.

But we are four-dimensional women.  This fourth dimension, the spiritual dimension in every human being, provides the following:

1.  You have a conscience

Your conscience provides you with that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you have treated someone badly.   It provides the guilt  hovering over you when you are abusive to yourself or others.

As believers, we know the conscience is from the Holy Spirit.  It is one of the Holy Spirit’s jobs to convict us of sin.  He helps us understand what is right and wrong.

He doesn’t provide guilt to beat us down, but to draw us to the God of forgiveness and new beginnings.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”, I John 1:9.

2.  You are a new person

When you ask forgiveness for your wrong doings and receive Christ into your life, He throws your sins as far as the East is to the West.  He chooses to remember them no more.  In fact, He goes so far as making you into a new person!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away; behold, the new has come”  2 Corinthians 5:17

3.  Your old patterns of behavior do not have a hold over you

The learned behavior does not instantly disappear, but it has lost its power over you.  Generational chains of abuse or addictive behavior can be broken.

A childhood of emotional, physical or sexual abuse is difficult to recover from, but it is not impossible.

With the help and support of trained individuals and a community of others who want their chains to be broken, you can find healing.  Celebrate Recovery is a thriving ministry taking place in churches throughout the nation, where people are experiencing earthshaking freedom from the abuses of the past.

If you desire support in this area by way of individual counseling or groups, contact your health provider for therapists, the local churches for counseling referrals, or look for a Celebrate Recovery group at http://www.celebraterecovery.com/?page_id=5

4.  You are able to have a new mind

When the bad recordings play in your head, you can reject them.  You are able to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”

Through God’s Word, your life can be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:1,2

I know several dear friends and family members whose minds and lives have been transformed.

There are generations of families who have lived with addiction, then someone breaks the chain and begins to form a new generation of health and wholeness.

There are generations who have suffered from divorce, then someone decides to work and wrestle for health in their marriage. The chain of divorce is broken.

You are destined to become a person of freedom and wholeness.  Never underestimate the power of the God who restores hearts and lives.  His arms are open and inviting you to enjoy forgiveness and transformation through the power of His Holy Spirit.

This is your destiny.

Dear Jesus, thank you for your gift of forgiveness.  Each day you give me a new start and Your power to transform my mind.  I want to claim the promises in Your Word.  Please surround me with others who will encourage me to be more like You in every dimension of my life.  Amen.


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Are you destined to become just like your Mother?

April 4, 2011 by at 11:02 pm Leave a Comment

mother & daughter nose to nose

 

Are you destined to be just like your mother?  A recent study would like you to believe you have no choice in the matter.

The study findings

Age 32 is when the majority of the 1,000 women researched began demonstrating the behaviors, words, reactions and even voices of their mothers.

Research Conclusions

According to the researchers and the behavior expert that was interviewed, repeating mother’s behaviors and words is inevitable.  “You can vow never to say or use the traits you associate with your parents, but the chances are they’re ticking away like a time bomb in your subconscious”, said behavioral expert Judi James.

You can’t do anything about mimicking mother’s traits.  “Given the same set of circumstances, you’ll find them emerging and there’s very little you can do to avoid it.” (  http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2011/03/29/2011-03-29womenturnintotheirmothersatage32studymannerismshabitsphrasesmorphin.html)

What this means for daughters

Some daughters find this study comforting.  Mom may be an incredible woman whose behavior and words exhibit grace, self-control, and love.  These daughters welcome the responses and behaviors of the most influential woman in their life.

In addition, this study adds to the evidence that our words and our actions can equip our children for adulthood.

Realizing our parents are not entirely perfect nor entirely imperfect is a healthy perspective for adult children.  Parents have traits we desire and traits we do not desire.  This is life.  You may be the daughter who has learned to filter the good from the not-so-good influences in your own adult behavior.

On the other hand, there are daughters who receive this information with fright.  Mom was abusive, addictive, emotionally imbalanced, or impulsive in her reactions.   Is there hope for these daughters?

The conclusion of this study can offer the adult daughter a great sense of family pride.  But for others, it offers a license for bad  behavior, or chains her into a mentality of defeat.

Choose your own destiny

Through out my own parenting years, I hear recordings playing in my mind of my mother’s voice saying phrases I have chosen not to repeat to my children.  No matter how frazzled or tempted I am,  I have made a conscious decision these recordings do not belong in my child rearing.   I am able to draw the line.

On the extreme, I have dear friends whose mothers were alcoholics or emotionally abandoned their children.  But these adult daughters have learned to be self-controlled and work through their relationships rather than run away from them.

You don’t  have a lot of control over the physical likeness or mannerisms which mirror your own mom.  But when it comes to the  behavior  she modeled, you can  choose how much power it holds over your life.  You can give into it because “You didn’t learn any better” or you can choose to learn a new way.  You are not destined to behave like your mother unless you welcome the behavior.

If you desire to live a new way in your adult life, check out Part 2, “4 Reasons you are not destined to become just like your Mother” later this week.

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When Mom’s Feelings are Hurt

March 29, 2011 by at 9:42 am 11 Comments

My teenage son was stepping over the line in his behavior choices one evening.  In a quiet moment I asked him some questions of the heart.  He was not impressed.  He told me, “Mom, your psychology doesn’t work for me anymore”.   “As a matter of fact,” he added, “you went to school in 1990 and your education is old”.

How does a middle-aged mom reply to those comments?  I wallowed in my choices.  I thought about lecturing him, I thought about an intelligent come-back, and I thought about climbing under my covers and crying.  Admittedly, it took me about an hour to work through my response; wrestling with my thoughts and praying for God’s direction.

As our kids grow toward adulthood they struggle for autonomy; they need to decide what they believe and who they will be, independent of their parents.  They may even discover that their parents are not perfect.  We risk alienating our youth when we respond to them with hurt feelings.

Unhealthy responses to your hurt feelings

Manipulation.  Some of us are masters of manipulation.  We can guilt our kids in an effort to control them.   Maybe you can manipulate them now, but the relationship will deteriorate in the years to come.  Your efforts will squelch their individuality and they will be resentful when they are able to recognize it.

Withdrawal.  Emotional events like the one my son and I encountered may tempt a parent to pull away from their child with hurt and angry feelings.  When we choose to withdraw, we invite the danger of habitually responding this way during their struggle for independence.

Our behavior leaves our youth to struggle through the rest of their teen years without healthy parental input.

Insecurity.   The youthful words of our loved ones can cut to the core of our identity.  If we allow the snippy comments to define us, we run the risk of becoming parental weaklings.  We will make decisions from our insecurity rather than from a healthy perspective.

Healthy responses to your hurt feelings

Talk about it with your youth.  Sometimes it is okay to tell your kid, “My feelings were hurt by your choice of words”.  Youth need the freedom to respond to your directives as long as it is done respectfully.  Learning their words can hurt or tear down a relationship is a valuable lesson.  You have the opportunity to promote a healthy dialogue when this happens.

Learn when to let it go.  An adolescent is not equipped to manage and process his mom’s feelings every time she feels hurt.

It is up to us adults to struggle through our own feelings. We need to choose to let them go.  We must recognize our youth are developing and testing their way to independence.  Remember who the adult is in the relationship.

Talk about it with emotionally healthy adults.   Process your feelings with your spouse or your girlfriends.  Chances are high that you are not the only parent dealing with hurt feelings.  Don’t wait until you perceive a big problem; begin a dialogue with others who want to make emotionally healthy choices.  Together you will encourage one another in your parenting.

Develop a healthy identity.  We mom’s have the tendency to lose ourselves in our children.  When we lose our  sense of self, we create unhealthy relationships with our children.

Learn to strike a balance between being a great spouse, an attentive loving mom, and your own person.  You can do it!  Being at peace with the struggle to obtain the balance will guarantee your continued personal growth.

Take it a step further.  Talk with a pastoral or licensed counselor if you are unable to work through your feelings and responses to your children.  Your family health is worth the effort of seeking personal support.

Let’s grow through this together.  We’ll keep loving on our family, and become healthier women in the process.


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